I think one of the saddest things about losing Grant before we ever really had him was that we wouldn’t get to see him grow up. To see who he would become. To watch his life shape before our eyes. I think every parent in this type of position feels determined that the life of their baby or child will be remembered and, even greater than that, still have an impact on this earth despite the fact that they weren’t here. We feel that for Grant. We’ve decided that the best thing we can do is allow ourselves to be changed by this entire situation and not go back to who we were before. Grant changed our lives for the better. In the midst of heart breaking sadness we felt, we personally experienced our Almighty God in ways we never have. We have a better understanding of His love, faithfulness, grace, and peace and we just want to share it.
When I look back at the last couple of weeks it’s hard to summarize all I’ve felt and learned from Grant’s life into a couple paragraphs. But the word I keep coming back to is faithfulness. It’s weird to think that I’ve felt God’s faithfulness to me the most when I lost something so precious, but that’s how it’s been. I know he loves me with a fierce, unending love and I have felt so rescued by him throughout in ways that nothing or no one else could have provided. I want to better live in light of his faithfulness to me and trust him in the unknowns. I want to continue to claim his promises and know that I can be faithful because He is faithful.
I’ve also never felt so grateful for his sovereignty. I understand better that His control knows no bounds. I know that I will not fully understand what this event means in light of eternity right now, but I know that He has perfect plan and will use everything for good. Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I’ve always liked control and it is not something easily given up, but I have learned to hold more loosely to the things of this life and entrust them more completely to God. This event has caused us to be even more grateful and joyful in Pierce and Blaine, but I also better understand that all three of our boys always have and always will ultimately belong to God. They have just been entrusted to us for a season. Rachael gave us a beautiful children’s book called “I Couldn’t Love You More” that illustrates this perfectly. We read it often, usually with tears in my eyes. My favorite lines are “You are mine for a moment, but you are His, forever His. In this life I am holding you, but in His arms you live.” As I firmly hold my 2 boys here on earth, I am more grateful than ever that they have a Father in heaven who loves them even more than I do and has a perfect plan for them as He holds them firmly in His hands.
Here are BJ's thoughts...
The events of the last week have been overwhelming. I have
been overwhelmed with grief, overwhelmed with joy at the birth of a son, and
overwhelmed with the support and love of family and friends.
After the memorial service for our little Grant, I became
determined to “remember” him. I didn’t want his life to be forgotten. We will
have a little birthday celebration each year where we look through the items we
have left from our time with him. I have long had the idea – not originally
mine – to have our family coat of arms engraved on a ring for me and each of my
sons once they have reached “manhood”. As another form of remembrance, I have
decided to engrave each boys’ name on the ring; Pierce, Blaine, and Grant. Plus
any future children. I don’t think it would be possible to not remember him,
but I am determined to put markers in our lives to make sure.
Even with all of the struggling I did to ensure I remember, it
seemed to me that there was something more. I explained it to Katie that our
lives are looked at, or judged, by the impact we have on others. Even though
Grant’s life was so short, that doesn’t limit the impact he could have. I feel
impacted. I know Katie does too. I don’t want that to be a temporary impact
that fades with time. As I turned this over in my head and heart, I was able to
boil it down this: I want to be a better man because of Grant’s life. I want to
be a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better worker and a
better follower of Christ. How did I get here? It wasn’t a straight line.
We started the week as a typical happy suburban family. Two
and half kids, one pet, a great marriage, a mortgage. I had (and thankfully
still do after walking out without notice for a week) a great job that provides
for us. Then that came crashing down. By the middle of the week, we had met our
child, who was already in heaven. In an instant, climbing the corporate ladder,
retirement savings, investments, etc. don’t seem so important. The best way I
can summarize it is that eternity came into focus. The things of heaven have
taken on a higher priority.
My challenge now is to keep eternity in this focus. By “this
focus”, I guess I mean, the present. Eternity is now. For example, the other
night, Blaine and Pierce were watching a Thomas (the train) episode right
before bed. I was reading something on my iPad. I don’t even remember what.
When I finished, I closed the iPad, at which point Blaine yelled, “Woohoo,
Daddy finish!” Eternity is now. I am
shaping my children now, even in the instances when I don’t think they’re
paying attention. If that’s true of two year olds, then surely it is about the
adults I’m around each day as well.
It is so easy to allow the issues of today to force out the
issues of forever. I think that is the #1 lesson I learned as a result of
Grant’s life. The best way I can honor him is to not allow this to happen. I will
be an intentional father, the romantic husband, and the genuine friend.
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