Part 3: Coming Home

“Do you not know?  Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31

We were able to come home that night. I can’t remember the last time I had felt so exhausted in every way possible. I longed to sleep in my own bed, but wasn’t sure how I was going to physically move my body to get there. I had been nervous about the short and yet long walk back to our car. There was no car seat to carry. I began to feel the disconnect of leaving the intense experience at the hospital and entering back into the real world where life was carrying on at full speed. I didn’t feel as sad as I’d expected, but more like trying to process and grasp all we’d been through. We grabbed some dinner in the car and headed home. My mom and sister were there and the boys were in bed. I hadn’t seen my sister since everything had happened and she just hugged me and cried. I remember feeling like I should be crying too, but it felt like I didn’t have any tears left by that point and there was a definite relief and happiness to be back home. As we went upstairs to fall into bed we heard Blaine still talking in his crib. We went into resettle him and quickly agreed that we could use a little snuggle and story time. As we brought him into our bed and began reading I began to feel the odd disconnect again. I described it to BJ later that it was like I had just traveled to another planet and had another life for 24 hours. Our time in the hospital was incredibly intense and the whole time I was there I was just Grant’s mommy. I had been so upset to leave Pierce and Blaine behind and was worried I would miss them throughout, but that hadn’t been the case at all. I knew they were in the loving hands of their Aunt Abbey and we had lots of reassuring pictures and video to prove they were having a ball. I was able to completely focus on Grant. But as I sat there reading to Blaine it’s as if all of the last day had almost been a dream because here I sat, back to Pierce and Blaine’s mommy. I realized my two worlds never met. Grant never got to come home and we were never altogether as a family of 5. It was an odd feeling.

I wasn’t sure how I would be able to sleep that night. I had feared nightmares or the inability to turn my mind off, but my exhaustion and God’s peace won out and I slept soundly and restfully. More answered prayer I’m sure. We woke up the next morning and went back to the routine of play time and breakfast, but at some point we decided to peek in at Grant’s room. We had painted his room the weekend before. It was a beautiful combination of navy and lime green to match his alligator bedding and I was so excited about his nursery coming together, despite a few nagging fears of his health In the back of my mind. When we found out that Grant had passed away that Monday, I was so regretful that we had painted. Why couldn’t we have just waited one more weekend and left it the way it was? Where was God’s timing in that? Abbey had been a lot of the creative vision as we had dreamed the theme and painted and planned. She had offered to paint over it while we were gone, but we told her that we thought maybe we should hold off and see how we felt. Then she came up with the idea as a playroom for the boys. I liked that idea and told her that maybe we could plan some ideas later. In the meantime I had asked if she could get the paint stuff picked up and maybe a few of the baby items we’d gathered in the room as well.

We mostly peeked into his room that morning to see if she’d had time to do any of it since we’d gotten home earlier than we thought. I was nervous to go in, but as we opened the door tears began streaming down our faces at what we saw. Abbey had run out and bought a few supplies to begin the playroom. Two chalkboards hung at toddler height, one with a “P” and one with a “B”. And there, in between the chalkboards, was a little canvas plaque with an alligator and a heart above it. It was perfect and I instantly knew that this room would answer my question from the night before about uniting as a family of 5. It could be Grant’s room with his colors and alligators, but also a place where Pierce and Blaine could play and create with their joy and laughter. I can’t explain what a gift that room is and now the paint colors are another way we can remember Grant. I felt like it was yet another preparation God had allowed to bring us joy in the midst of sadness.