My Words at Grant's Service

I’m pretty certain I have felt every single emotion possible within the last 5 days. We have walked through some of the darkest moments we will ever face, and yet I keep hearing myself speak of God’s goodness, love, and peace. Still, throughout the past few days I have vacillated between feeling like I’m in a nightmare that I just need to wake up from and understanding that this is really happening.

We found out that Grant was a boy at our 20 week appointment. Many of you joined us for a gender reveal party and probably remember me sharing that night about some words God had spoken to my heart a couple days before. He had spoken to my heart what an honor it was to raise godly men because we live in a culture and world that desperately need to see what true masculinity looks like. I felt a peace and new excitement at the prospect of another boy. I really don’t have an answer as to why God spoke that only to take Grant home before he got a chance to be part of our world. We will continue to raise Pierce and Blaine in that mindset, but what does it mean for Grant? But I think that as we carry on and continue to tell our story, Grant will still have a chance to make an impression on this world. His tiny life will always matter.

The truth is, there are a lot of things I don’t know right now. I don’t know why God allowed this to happen to Grant. To us. I don’t know why this happened right now. I don’t know what the future of our family looks like anymore. I don’t know what the healing will look like. We all have so many questions in our pain and sadness.

But I’ve also started realizing there are a lot of things I do know. I know that our tiny son now stands alongside his Grandpa Carl among the saints and angels before the throne of Jesus Christ. I know that because Jesus is on his throne I can have peace. We have never felt less in control, but because I feel so helpless I have had no choice but to fall into the arms of the only One who can save me right now. I know I am grateful that I can look to a God who is big enough to bring good out of something Satan meant for harm. And I know that we will see our son again because of the sacrifice of Jesus. That our family will all be together in paradise for eternity. I have never been more grateful for the assurance of salvation.

And I know that I have never felt so much love and support from those around us. I mentioned in one of our emails that I initially wasn’t sure how God was going to show up in this darkness. But he has wrapped his faithful arms tightly around us through the body of Christ. I will never be able to express how much this has touched my heart and pulled me through.

I am so grateful that I got a chance to meet our tiny son. I was so scared, but he was beautiful and our time together soothed in a way I didn’t know it could. We spent time memorizing every detail of him. His cute nose and mouth. His little knees and elbows. His little feet, no more than an inch. His fingers that were the size of my fingernail. There is no doubt that he was fearfully and wonderfully made and I will forever be his mommy. He became a part of our hearts and family and will always have a place in our lives.

A dear friend wrote Grant a beautiful letter and her last line captures Grant’s life perfectly. “Through your life, Grant, God claimed another victory over death and His glory flows from the very mention of your beautiful name.”